My fellow Americans (as far as you know)…

I come to you tonight after 5 long years of the worst presidency in American History. I ran on the promise of “Hope and Change”. And now, thanks to my incompetency, your hope has been diminished and there’s no change left in any of your pockets.

It probably should have given you suckers a clue when I called all of you” bitter clingers”. But, because you wanted to be in on something historic, the naive among you elected me as your first black President of the United States.

So here I stand, 5 years later, reelected by 47% of the population, who do not care that I am a socialist, as long as they do not have to get up off the couch and will continue to receive their “benefits”.

Since this is, after all, the State of the Union address, I will summarize the present state of the United States of America under my leadership.

Of course, I could do it in one word, but there are children present.

Regarding the Economic Depression which our nation still finds itself in, I have one thing to say: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!

It is the fault of my predecessor. Nevermind, that my party has been in control of Congress since 2007. It also does not matter that I have spent more of your money than any president in history. For those of you who have lost their jobs and are having trouble surviving, just relax and think of your situation,  as I have told you before, as a “fun-cation”. Uncle Sugar will take care of you.

Next, please allow me to speak a few words about my signature legislation:  Obamacare.

I realize that five million of you have lost your health insurance because of Obamacare. However, just as has been the case during the building of every other socialist paradise, some sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.  After all, from each according to his ability to each according to his need.

Oh, and by the way, don’t worry about not being able to see your favorite doctor anymore. That guy was a quack anyway.

On the subject of Amnesty, I want to assure you “bitter clingers” out there that these new citizens will not be taking your jobs away from you. There are no jobs left to take.

Regarding the assertion that I and my fellow Democrats are buying their votes, but not their loyalty to America, let me reassure you that they will be just as patriotic as I am.

Concerning the issue of “gay marriage”, I believe that every American has the right to be as miserable as I am. Err…ummm… I meant as happy as I am. Isn’t that right, Reggie…err… Michelle?

By redefining the word marriage, we are making things fair and equal for all Americans.

Pay no attention to what those haters, the Christians, say. The antiquated notion that the traditional family unit is the “backbone of our nation” is nothing but a bunch of poppycock. For example, look at how well our nation’s black population is doing in coping with a 75 percent illegitimate birth rate. I mean it’s not like there’s a nationwide gang problem, or anything.

And, all this horrible weather that we are experiencing in our nation is structly a coincidence.

Concerning the legalization of marijuana, as I recently stated, I believe that marijuana is no more harmful than the effects of alcohol..and when you drive your car after smoking a bowl, you are no more dangerous to the public at large, than if you just left your local bar at closing time. Oh…and according to my own National Drug Control Policy ,  it’s a Gateway Drug that will leave your lungs as black as tar , cause brain damage, and lower your IQ.  But, hey…that’s a small price to pay for a good buzz, huh? And, besides, you don’t need to think anyway. I will do that for you.

On the subject of Foreign Affairs, please allow me to reassure you that America is safe. We will not be nuked anytime soon. The Mullahs in Iran have given me their word on it.

I mean, its not like they would kidnap any of our people and hold them for 144 days. Why,that could never happen. The next thing you’ll be telling me is that the Muslim Brotherhood is a Terrorist Organization.

And, regarding that little incident at the Benghazi Compound in Libya, that evil YouTube Video Maker is still safely in jail, so our new Muslim friends have no reason to get “agitated”, again.

As far as Syria and the rest of the Middle East is concerned, I am certain that as Arab Spring continues, the transition of power from Moderate Muslim Governments to governments supported by the Muslim Brotherhood, will go just as smoothly as it did in Egypt.

In summary, as you may have heard, I recently announced that I was going to use my Authority as President to rule by diktat, err, write Executive Orders, to bypass Congress, if they did not pass legislation that I wanted them to.

An ABC/Washington Post poll released yesterday, shows that 63% of you do not trust me to make sound decisions. In response to that, I say BIG HAIRY DEAL!

I have never listened to you before. Why should I now?

Besides… look at how it has worked out so well so far.

For me and my family that is, not so much for you guys.

Thank you for your support…all 38% of you. Good night.

Until He Comes,

KJ