It was announced yesterday by the White House, that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad had sent a personal letter to Barack Obama.  The Washington Post has printed a translation of that letter.  Being your humble servant, I will now attempt to translate their translation for you.

In the name of ( the Iranian version of) God, the Compassionate, the Merciful

Mr. Barack Obama

President-elect (as of a year and a half ago) of the United States of America

I congratulate you on having gained the majority of the votes of those who took part in the election (The majority of which are experiencing the worst buyers’ remorse in history.). As you know, the chances that God gives to his subjects pass swiftly(come on, 2012). They can be used for the perfection of humanity and to the benefit of nations or, God forbid, to the detriment of nations.(Too Late. Obama definitely has the “detriment” part down already.)

I hope you will choose to honor the real interests of people and justice and equity over the insatiable appetites of the selfish minority(You know, Barry.  Those people that still believe in Freedom and the Constitution.). Use this chance to serve to the extent you can. And leave a good name behind for yourself (Too late). 

People expect an immediate and clear response to the pressure for fundamental change in the American government’s policies, both foreign and domestic (He’s changing them, alright.  And not for the better.). This is the desire of all the world’s nations and of the American nation as well, and it should be the objective and basis of all your future government’s programs and actions (Play ball with us, Barry, and we’ll keep those anonymous contributions from the Middle East coming in your next campaign, like we did the first one.).

On the one hand, the American nation, which has spiritual inclinations (75 %of Americans identify themselves as Christians.  I guess that’s an “inclination”.), expects your government to focus its energy and will on serving the people; dealing with the current economic crisis; restoring the country’s standing, morale and hope; eradicating poverty and discrimination; and renewing respect for individuals, their safety and their rights (Pay no attention to the fact that we are making Atomic Bombs.). It also expects policies that will strengthen the foundations of the family — part of the teachings of the holy prophets, who are also revered in America (You remember.  The holy prophets you studied at the Private Madrassa, err, School in Indonesia, where you grew up.).

On the other hand, the nations of the world expect an end to policies based on warmongering, invasion, bullying, trickery, the humiliation of other countries by the imposition of biased and unfair requirements, and a diplomatic approach that has bred hatred for America’s leaders and undermined respect for its people ( In other words, just leave us alone so that we can destroy all the civilized world, including America.) . They want to see actions based on justice, respect for the rights of human beings and nations, friendship and non-intervention in the affairs of others (Thanks for shutting down Gitmo and the upcoming show trials of our “freedom fighters” in American cities.  We ought to get some great publicity out of those.  Hug my man Eric Holder for me.). They want the American government to keep its interventions within its own country’s borders (We love us some Ron Paul.). 

In the sensitive Middle East region, in particular, the expectation is that the unjust actions of the past 60 years will give way to a policy encouraging full rights for all nations, especially the oppressed nations of Palestine, Iraq and Afghanistan ( We approve of the way you’re dealing with Israel.  Who cares if they’ve been your loyal friend for over 60 years.  Stick that knife in their back and twist it, Barry.).

The great civilization-building and justice-seeking nation of Iran would welcome major, fair and real changes, in policies and actions, especially in this region ( It’s amazing how much demolition work can be done by just one suicide bomber.  And we give our prisoners a swift trial, followed by a first class beheading.  Sometimes, we even sharpen the blade.)

If steps are taken in the path of righteousness, toward the goal of carrying out the teachings of the holy prophets, it is hoped that almighty God will help and that the enormous damage done in the past will be somewhat diminished (You’re doing great, Barry.  Just keep that radical change coming.  Pretty soon, you’ll have America turned into the Third-rate Socialist nation that we all want it to be.).

I ask the high God to grant all of humanity and all nations health and happiness, honor and prosperity, and to grant rulers and officials the ability to learn from the past and to use every chance to serve, to spread love and kindness, to eradicate oppression, to do justice and to follow the holy guidelines. (I ask Allah to give us the strength and ability to kill all the Infidels.  Keep up the good work, Barry.  By the way, you sure are a snappy dresser.)

(Love)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad